I bought a book, ohhh, I don’t know how long ago, called The Story of My Life; If A Story is in You, It has to come out.

The pages aren’t numbered and are nearly blank except for a suggestion printed at the top.

I chose a random page for today’s blog: “The first time I had to speak or perform in front of a crowd.”

Now, I don’t think this is my first time speaking in front of a crowd, or maybe it is, and it isn’t my first performance, but it is memorable.

The course was English with Mrs. Hill or Hall? It escapes me now, but she was an old curmudgeon. Short and squat, with meaty forearms and a fashion passion for iron-pressed house dresses. She ruled with a strict grip on correct grammar. She made an impact on me, and I truly enjoyed her class. Whether she enjoyed having me in her class was never determined.

We were tasked with writing a paper and my subject was the singer, Madonna. Our class had to read aloud our presentations using props that correlated to our topic. I wish I still had this paper, but really, the words weren’t what made this historical anyway.

As you may, or may not know, she grew up a good girl, went to a dance school, and got into singing. Probably transitioned from a backup dancer into a star, but I don’t really remember and I’m not going to research it at this moment. Just take my word for it. My “truth” can’t be that far off, right?!

I spoke about her childhood, where she went to college, her trials and tribs, her successes, and what she was known for. She was big in the 80s into the 90s.

Anyway, I continued with my speech, probably talking too fast due to nerves, adding a little of my own flare to the story, and rethinking the ending.

Side note: During the 90s she had a tour called Blonde Ambition and she had steamy videos on MTV. You may recall she wore a teddy (you know those lingerie nighties) and had a cone bra. Perhaps there wasn’t a skirt on the teddy and instead had her leotard or whatever north of her hip bones. Either way, she was making history with this outfit. LOOK, I googled.

Can you guess what my props were?

Back to English class.

Now my lightbulb hadn’t turned on until pert near the presentation’s due date, so my props were shoddily constructed. Regular notebook paper in a conical shape with paper fringes still hanging off the side ripped out of my 5 Star (yeah right, 5 Star notebook, my mom bought recycled notebooks in bulk). Real classy, Amber.

I read my essay and at the end, with Like a Virgin playing loudly in my head, I raised those cones and placed them right over my b-cups. The teacher’s jaw dropped along with my grade.

Looking back, I can’t believe I didn’t get into trouble, or perhaps I did but have repressed those memories. I had no choice but to accept my grade; any chance I had at a solid A had been thrown away with the rest of my dignity and the paper fringes.

But alas, knowing I followed in Madonna’s footsteps long before anyone else did, makes my heart sing. Who knew years after that essay was written and read, other celebrities wanted to be like me?

Their designer must have had better materials than me though. Wouldn’t you say? If only I had more time back then…